It’s easy to let narratives be told about you when you don’t give an actual fuck about what others think and say about you. It was easy to fall into the narrative of being the villain. I mean let’s be honest I was being prepped/built for this role for a few years before I would take the crown of it.
“He is hurt and has every right to be… I never said he didn’t”
“He looked right at me and said, “You are an inconvenience to my schedule”
“I don’t see why you need to go talk to someone, when you can just talk to me”
“There is his truth, your truth and then just the truth; Me, “No there is just the truth"
“No loyalty, unfaithful”
“Hurt people hurt people.”
The role someone decides you have in their life.. is their choice.
You can be placed in so many different roles over time..
the friend, the roommate, the girlfriend, the caregiver, the number one fan, the homemaker, the teacher, and as we know the villain.
I have been accountable for my mistakes each day since that moment. I continue to choose honesty and truth. I don’t find any value in hiding anything that Ive gone through in my journey.
Truth is it has taken me awhile to find the words I would put down in a blog. It has taken me a long time to process this. I think because I felt like I had no place to speak.. or right to my own truth in the matter. That it didn’t actually matter how I felt.. or what I dealt with. My mistakes had taken over and nothing else seemed to be of any importance.
I chose silence because I didn’t believe in the need to air out someone else’s wrong doings. If a person chooses to see no fault of their own.. if they choose not to hold themselves accountable for hurting another person that is their own choice; and none of my damn business.
I knew that none of the good that I did do in that relationship was going to matter after the mistakes I made. Being unfaithful would trump any and all of the good I did do. I mean honestly I always felt like the good I did bring to this relationship was always over looked and taking for granted anyway. I felt like I was always the bad guy no matter what.
IMAGINE begging someone to go out with their friends .. and you get told later on he would tell people “you wouldn’t let him go out.” IMAGINE supporting another person through all their ups and downs.. in every and any way they needed or wanted; being their motivator, supporter and always showing up. Then IMAGINE having accomplished a milestone in your own personal life.. that was so big for you and then having to celebrate it alone, because they forgot. IMAGINE feeling like every time you opened your mouth to say how you were feeling .. you ended up feeling like a bitch and an awful human for the delivery method you chose. IMAGINE you start going to therapy to help yourself with your grief, your mental health etc.. and your biggest support.. doesn’t support it. IMAGINE taking care of someone through a knee surgery adjusting your schedule, making sure they have everything they possible need .. and then the table turns and you get knee surgery and you become the bad guy for not thinking of his schedule.”
I chose to be accountable for my mistakes. I chose accountability when it came to hurting another human being. I made the choice to be the “villain” for him and move forward with my life. I knew I wanted something completely different for myself. I needed to get out, away from this life and place to be able to recognized that over the last five-seven years my decisions were being based off of grief I couldn’t process, hurt feelings I had that just piled up, and being in a life I truthfully didn’t want for myself.
The hurt I caused someone.. also hurt me… but then it also saved me too.
Having the ability to reflect, grow and learn from my journey has been something I will cherish forever. I am grateful that I was able to recognize this and change my life; I was spiraling and losing control of myself and hurting someone that I genuinely cared about. I needed to take an outside look and recognize that I was turning into a person who I fucking hated and couldn’t connect with on any level.
The next thing I needed to learn was that my mistakes didn’t define who I was or am as a person. I think it was easy for me to just slide right into the role of the “villain” because I was willing to take any bad karma I deserved for being unfaithful. I knew I deserved bullshit after I created bullshit. I thought that I deserved to be hated and alone for hurting another person. Seeing the hurt on another persons face and feeling the way you hurt them is not ideal. I took it to heart. It was the second serious relationship I had ever been in my life. We are all entitled to our own opinions, feelings and perspective on situations/experiences.
At that time in my life it was easier to listen to the stories that were being told about me and just let them happen; there was no point in trying to change any narratives. Always being in defense mode wasn’t on my list of priorities. My priority was holding myself accountable and trying to get a hold of my life.
Asking myself every day “Berkeley, why did you decided to make these changes?” “And what the fuck are you doing about it?”
**If you made it this far in the blog.. please note..**
I am not here to change or dig up the past.. from the last 10 years of my life. This is simply just to finally write and process all of this. Since I’ve moved back I have had a handful of conversations with people I didn't even know.. who have said “oh yeah I know you’ve had some "relationship stuff.” So this blog is strictly being written because it is incredible to me how we can take mistakes someone has made along their journey and hold it against them.
Where is the growth in this? Are we even human? Where is the grace and forgiveness?
Everyone has moved on with their lives and is happy. There is no need to hold on to this any longer.
My mistakes as I mentioned earlier DO NOT DEFINE ME and I am not embarrassed by my journey.
My mindset when someone says something like that to me is:
Hi, my name is Berkeley.. do you want to have a real conversation, ask me any question you want?
It is amazing to me how so many people “know about someone else’s life” .. but have never actually met them or had a conversation with them before. That shit BLOWS MY MIND. It is funny how people know about certain chapters of others lives but have never sat down with them personally and asked real questions or even talked to them about any of it.
I think this type of thing always makes me laugh and shake my head because no matter what anyone says about another person I personally don’t pay much mind to it. If I do not know the person personally and have never had a conversation with them I will not take someone else’s word for it. We aren’t going to be for everyone in this life and that is totally fine with me.
In the last five years I have had opportunities to date and I honestly couldn’t invest in any of them. This is because I still believed I didn’t deserve another opportunity at a serious relationship. I truthfully believed that I was unlovable. Love, compassion and kindness was always lacking.. and what I have experienced in these brief little dating situations only confirmed that.
I have experienced great moments in dating and moments of complete bullshit. I have had moments of growth where I have tried to communicate my feelings and they were completely stomped on. I have had moments where my past was held against me. I believed whole heartily that my purpose after that was to give out love, forgiveness and compassion to others more than I would/could ever receive.
Your journey is what you make of it.. there is dark days, and bright days.. there will be mistakes .. there will be failures.. and successes .. there is pain and hurt.. there is love ..and there is light .. in each and every moment.
Trust and believe that what you want for yourself you can create.
Trust that the love you desire does exist.
I have realized I needed to offer myself grace and forgiveness.
I needed to offer myself love.
The home I have always dreamed of I needed to create within myself first.
I am the only person I really needed back.
My journey and my mistakes have only made me stronger.
and I continue to hold no space for hate in my heart.
This life is short and I hope you are able to live a life you can say you chose.
I was always Running away from this.. and now finally I can say my feet are firmly on the ground.
Months and then years.. of silence to finally understand it.
Younger Berkeley would be so proud of how far I have come. She would be proud to see that I made it through those tough moments. The lonely ones, the empty ones.
I understand the love I deserve.. as I provide it to myself everyday.
With that I say goodbye to the “Villain Era” and embrace what is to come next for me in my journey.
Faith.Forgiveness.Trust.&Love.