The Raw moments from my notes app.. some of these make it into the journal too, and some live forever in my notes app. Moments I am out and about and my thoughts need to be released or written down somewhere. I wasn't going to share any of these but i thought for a brief moment why not.
My blog is a very open space. It is a space where the levels of my vulnerability fluctuate. I am open more times then not. I am a human being at the end of the day, who has thoughts, and experiences and a full life. These are also in no particular order. In my notes I list anything and everything that comes out of my mind in each one of these moments; I also write quotes or anything that grabs my attention and sticks with me too.
Note #1
Moments I can’t breathe.
It’s always the songs with words
No it’s always the ones without..
realistically it’s both
Sometimes I write and I am happy
And other times I am sad
And sometimes I’m angry
And lost
And unsure
Sometimes I don’t write because the things in my mind shouldn’t be said.. or written
I feel guilty for the thoughts: if I could just stop and not exist it would somehow be easier
But that’s not true that’s a form of escaping from the reality of what I already don’t think is real.
To stay positive to have faith to trust constantly when there is nothing but doubts and fear and anxiety and chaos
For me it is simple..
I’m grateful to breath and exist
But in the same breath I don’t know how much more I’m supposed to take.
I believe in myself and I love my self but it’s just constantly one thing after another after another.
Takers and users and bullshit
Just so much bullshit and liars and abusers and just greed and jealousy and copy and paste and bullshit.
I give and I stand up for myself and I ask questions and I listen and I participate and I isolate and I stay.
And I sit in it.
And I make a decision.
And I come back
and I disappear.
I lay here in this bed staring at the ceiling feeling everything and nothing at all, at the same time.
I pray and I pray and I let go and I’m impatiently patient
My mind is constantly moving and going and it’s overwhelming.
So many energies so many voices and then there is just mine.
But mine is too loud and sometimes its too quiet.
I shout at the top of my fucking lungs that I am grateful for all of it, the dark moments, the light moments, the bliss moments, the at peace moments.
Truth and clarity
Directness
Stop allowing people all the way in, that don't deserve to be there.
My heart is full and it is also just sick of the aches and the pain
I love all the small simple things
Notes
Phone calls
Doing things with others
Doing things alone
Catching up
Walks
Laying with someone and feeling safe
Allowing someone all the way in
And trusting them to catch me when I fall
I let go of all the nights alone in my closet, in my bedrooms and bathrooms where I couldn’t catch my breath.. The moments i had to talk myself through.. where I was struggling to do anything.
I let go of all the people who don’t have my back in a room I’m not in. I let go of every fucking person who only benefits from me struggling. I let go of all the people who aren’t real.
I’m sensitive
I’m a rollercoaster
I’m a mess
I’m me
I’m beautiful
And I’m strong
And I’m independent
I Purge it
I Release it
I say goodbye to every painful fucking moment that has made me who I am today. You were worth every single second.. but to let it go and leave it behind me is what is next.
Note #2
I notice that when my heart and my mind are involved more than I’m used to I get a bit more reactive..
I notice that when I’m in a more vulnerable space then I want to be I panic a bit. I Notice I interrupt in a conversation and don’t allow the other person to finish their sentence because I am fearful for all the words they might say...then when I realize it and try to backtrack, its too late.
I notice that even though I can be open with my heart and my mind in some spaces I also limit it at the same time. Not purposefully .. unintentionally.. it’s that last little layer of protection that I hold on to.
So after situations like this, I find moments I can find silence in.. where I can take a breath and let go of the fears and everything else that comes up in my mind. Moments where I can reflect back and understand why I handled it that way and what i can change moving forward.
Boundaries, feelings, vulnerability.. my heart, my mind.. all things that aren’t easy to say or do or give.
My productivity shoots through the roof in moments like this.. i try to put all my focus into everything else and avoid sitting with my mind sometimes. Trying to distract it, until i can't.
The flow of it all
Note #3
I wanted to take a moment and say:
Thank you for always keeping it real, your friendship, your honesty, the ability to bounce around in conversations with me, your support, and for all the rad memories and moments no matter the size that we’ve had together. Throughout the last handful of years you’ve helped me in a handful of ways.
I am forever grateful that I have gotten even the tiniest bit of a chance to know any part of you.
.. Keep being you
Note #4
she walked
along beaches,
thru city streets,
past endless rows of trees
..always one foot in front of the other..
wandering alone
.grateful & hopeful.
knowing one day it’d all be worth it
Note #5
As a part of my picture wall, I have a quote from Cher,
My mom said to me: “You know sweetheart, one day you should settle down and marry a rich man.”
Cher’s response: Mom, I am a rich man.”
And I have this as a part of my Picture wall because it is next to everything that makes me rich. One of the anonymous writers from a few blogs ago couldn’t have said it any better:
I think you're already rich. Rich with love, rich with joy, rich with laughter. You've hit the jackpot baby, so stop being so hard on yourself.
-anonymous
I have had a picture wall of some sort now for eighteen-ish years. My first one was ceiling to floor and I was so proud of it. The ones after that have been much smaller, as some were created on a cabinet in a kitchen, or a small wall section in my bedroom, even a time when I just did frames of pictures instead of putting them up on anything. I am grateful for each person who has ever been a part of any picture wall/surface I have created.
This saying means more to me than what most may interpret it as.
I am already Rich with experiences, with memories, with this heart, with this mind, with love, with the few individuals who I hold space for in my heart.
I am grateful for the handful of people I can’t help but be my authentic self with..
The ones who bring out each side of you, and don’t judge you. The ones who can communicate with you when times are tough and when times are amazing.
Note #6
DON'T LET YOUR
EMPATHY OR YOUR LOYALTY IMPEDE
On your self respect
Note #7
I can not be the only one who makes an effort to see others in my life.. it’s a two way street not a one way.
Tell people how you feel about them.. what do you have to lose.
Time.
What’s meant to be..
Let go of the idea of finding love..embody it instead..
Who’s the person you’d call?
I always want what’s best for those around me even if that means not having me in their lives.
be hungry for yourself
stop suppressing your feelings
vulnerability shouldn’t be forced
Is there a capacity to your love
I like things private not a secret
With genuine gratitude
Intensity
Ambivalence
“If you want spotless I’ll always lose”
Only actions matter? but what about the alignment of words and actions
“Instead of comfort wish for depth”
romantic relationships don’t all look the same .. I don’t want mine like yours
To end the day talking to you.
I needed his hands on my body
roaming discovering touching
slowly
Wants or needs..
Are you trying to get closer to me or push me away.. because it isn’t really clear in my brain
“You don’t have to feel things alone”
“You can’t live full time in your head”
"friends but we aren’t really friends
lovers.. but we aren’t really lovers
we were just two people existing separately
and occasionally together”
I knew what it was like to be loved in only the ways that they needed something from me.
You know exactly what you want
You know exactly what you need
"When you underestimate your power you undermine yourself.
When you overestimate your power you undermine yourself."
“Fortunate are those who can appreciate the basic goods of life with awe, pleasure, wonder and ecstasy, again and again as if for the first time.”
Note #8
“Your body is not alway an easy place to be”
“Don’t hide your heart”
“Give yourself a kiss”
“Love doesn’t mean to submit, but to grow together”
“You don’t have to be everywhere”
“You can’t go wrong if you are honest about what you want”
“Cut the cord, for real”
“Everyone is allowed to be a bit unravelled at times”
Does their presence fuel you?
Notice who’s presence drains you.
The criticism that changed the way you think
Pep Talks in the Mirror
Don’t close yourself off
Whats the greatest killer of love?
Instincts
Intuition
No judgements
Be a little bolder than usual.
Take the Armor off your heart.
Your desires are trying to tell you something..
BE PATIENT
When you feel what safety feels like.
Trust the people you feel comfortable enough to open up to
LIVE A FULL LIFE.
Note #9
John 13:7
Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Note # 10
"Life is never long enough to do all you want. Taste each Moment, don’t waste a one. Say 'I love you' now, not tomorrow. Time is something you can't pay back or borrow. Be happy and only keep the key to the treasure chest of good memories."
Margie Cecchini
March 8, 1989
Note # 11
If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go?
Or would you choose to stay right here?
Note # 12
They say do it scared..
but I’ve tried that
and I’ve done it that way..
and this time around I don’t want to do it that way.
I am taking fear out of the equation.
Im going to do it proudly
I’m going to do it with a grateful heart
Im going to do it humbly
Im going to do it because I believe I am capable
no more tip toeing around it
no more standing on the edge of it
it’s time to take a chance on myself
Dare to do something different..
Make the Moves on your own terms..
Get out of your head
Follow your heart
feel your energy
Trust it.
Take that Breath.
it’s time to JUMP in
..Love your Journey..