Your mindset, and the way you think about yourself is important.
How many of us can say we don’t like to be alone with our thoughts?
That we don’t want to focus on ourselves and what is going on in our mind..
We would rather just be positive all the time and ignore any and all negative feelings.
On this journey of mine I have found it is important to feel, and to understand/connect with the feelings I have. To finally sit down and understand why my mind goes where it does.. good, bad, positive and negative.
Its always been “my mind vs me”
At some points id say it could be almost like a rollercoaster of emotions.. and some moments could get so overwhelming. For as long as I can remember, my mind.. has been my biggest hurdle .. my toughest critic. That is why Ive touched on things here and there in each of my blogs so far about the different little battles I have had with myself.
For this blog.. specifically I think about some of the days over the last couple of years.. where I would find myself just laying in bed or laying on the floor.. on rainy days.. on sunny days..early mornings.. mid day.. or at night.. I would just lay there and stare at the ceiling listening to all that was going on around me.. not moving.. just breathing.. and thinking.
“My mind .. my thoughts.. my words..”
I would tell myself.. to stop feeling..then i’d ask myself, why are you feeling this way..
then I would judge myself.. I was being too emotional.. I was being a baby.. too dramatic.. and unreasonable. I would try to tell myself that the anxiety and those feelings weren’t real. The extremes I would go through would be not feeling at all.. to feeling to much.
Its crazy to me, how so many of us are capable of walking around during hard moments with a smile plastered on our faces (regardless of how we are truly feeling inside). All because we are telling ourselves to think positively that it will be a good day.. thinking if we constantly tell ourselves that .. then poof magically it’ll fix everything.
This for me doesn’t necessarily make sense. I found that with doing this I wasn’t being realistic. I wasn’t allowing myself to understand what was going on during those hard moments… so that I could actually acknowledge them for what they were and what I was feeling and move on/past it. There were moments when I’d be so busy self sabotaging.. struggling to find my breath and just tip toeing on the line of a break down.. that the idea of smiling was non existent. Id rather stay at home by myself then have to fake a smile.
I allow myself moments or even sometimes full days to just feel.. to just not talk to anyone so that I could take the time to process and understand what was going on internally. I needed to get my strength back.. where was it? ..sometimes I would find my strength hiding away while I was having these days or moments..
I have learned to feed my mind what it doesn’t want to hear but what it needs to.. until I started to actually believe it and trust it.
On repeat “its one day at a time.. you got this.. be your own light.. you are enough.”
I needed to learn how to hear my own voice..and to recognize it.. in the chaos and in the silence. Sometimes we don’t realize the things that we are constantly telling ourselves can be what is bringing us down.. the little judgements.. and the negative self talk.
For me in November 2019.. when I sat on that airplane in California.. super emotional.. on my way back east.. headphones blasting music .. and tears rolling down my face.. (I probably looked like a crazy person.. which clearly didn’t bother me). I opened my journal and I started writing the first of a handful of letters I would write to a few family members and a few friends. I knew that regardless if I got that job (I just interviewed for) or not.. that things were going to change, I wanted them to and that things were going to be different.
Which then leads us into January 2020, so many new things were happening all at once.. and I honestly started to panic..once I finally started settling in. I started second guessing all the decisions I was currently making, the move included.
So…. I started journalling more.. I started going for walks.. finding different ways to connect with my surroundings..because the dark moments would sometimes be to much for me.
What do I mean when I say the “Dark moments” .. from the previous post I mention that in these moments I would think about disappearing and if anyone would notice. I would also think about .. what my purpose on this earth was.. I would think, what am I providing to those around me.. Do I provide more hurt and pain then I do good? I have moments occasionally where I even apologize to people for talking to much.. or because I felt as if I didn’t listen enough.. because sometimes I overthink the conversation(s).
These moments even got to a point that I started writing in my journal to my family members about all the things I would want them to know and read .. incase anything ever happened to me. I wanted to make sure they knew how I felt about them.. I wanted them to know that I loved, and valued them. I know I have said this before but I think its crazy how dark moments like this can be followed by such high moments, because these moments were followed by a couple of conversations with friends who had made big moves/had big changes in their lives. They had real conversations with me where they weren’t sugar coating anything.. they also weren’t judging me, if I decided the move wasn’t for me. Those deep conversations helped bring me back to the present and to breath.
This move has helped me learn
about myself and the ins and outs of my mind
how to strengthen my mind in healthier ways..
how to create boundaries..
that it isn’t me vs me anymore.
..To be whole, to understand my value, my worth, and to really accept myself.
Your mind, your body, your heart, your energy, your love, your attention, and your words..
Stop allowing people to disrespect and devalue you.
Stop allowing people to constantly take pieces of you,
Stop allowing people to use you..
Set boundaries for yourself.
I think it had been beautiful to learn and understand how to let things/people flow in and and flow out of my life. I have always been one to pay attention to peoples words.. how they speak to me, what they say. It was until, I started noticing that too many times people, I was surrounding myself with..were not matching/aligning their actions and their words; myself included. After recognizing this I still listened to their words but I became more mindful of their actions and when they didn’t align, it started helping me to understand who was just talking to talk and who was actually doing something.
Once I realize I too had done this, I started holding myself accountable. I had to stop allowing certain people disrespect my boundaries I worked so hard at creating. Its funny when you have a repeated conversation with someone and you communicate your boundaries in a healthy way.. and they still ignore them.. they still disrespect them.. and this is when those individuals need to exit your life. Because letting others disrespect or undervalue you .. is at the end of the the day, your choice.. you can’t blame these individuals if you continue to let it happen. I know I have allowed this to happen in my life and I am grateful because like other things I learned how to cut those people off.. to walk away and to stop putting my energy into them.
You will learn and start to understand someones intentions.. and wants from you.. or for you. You will start being okay with saying no to these people, you will be okay with not providing an explanation to them as well (about your boundaries, etc).
Its important to understand that not everyone is going to understand you.
Not everyone needs an explanation on what makes you different, not everyone is meant for you or to stay in your life till the end…not everyone is going to like what you have to say or even what you do.
be real
be you
be intentional
be present
be kind
You are enough. You are capable.
.be grateful for what makes you different.
Love You Journey
[May 2021]