..if you think about it, they are all a form of communication.
Through experiences and observations, I have found that when it comes to communication there tends to be a lot of misunderstanding.
Some of us may have grown up in households where communicating your feelings was important and that it was a priority to make sure you felt heard.. whether those feelings were understood or not.
Some of us grew up in households where being “heard” or “seen” was a rarity. A place where sharing your feelings brought a whole bunch of anxiety. Every time you would try to share.. you were judged.. you’d go unheard.. or there was a lack of validation.
Some of us grew up in a household where no one really even knew how to communicate about anything real with one another. Maybe it was because your parents grew up in a household where no one talked about anything like that either. Everyone just kept everything bottle up inside .. until an explosion of emotions, awkward silences, and heated projections would take place.
I have been trying to figure out and learn how to communicate with someone in my life who is very important to me. For me, it’s difficult to talk about the major things that I have dealt with in my life with this person.. because they were never willing to ever sit down and talk to me about what was going on with them. This person has always took everything on themselves. Not wanting to burden anyone, not wanting to be judged. Maybe they didn’t feel important enough, heard, appreciated or seen. Maybe its just that they don’t know how to communicate their feelings either; they haven’t ever tried or learned how to; they've always been too scared. One thing I don’t think this person ever realized was that in situations like these, what they were doing was actually being fully observed, taken in and mimicked.
Imagine walking into a room and the one person in your life you looked up to as one of the strongest individuals you knew was crying alone. I freeze up each time.. I don’t ever quite know what to do in this situation.. so you just offer a hug, ask if everything is okay, and then ask if they want to talk about it. When you get no response.. the anxiety kicks in.. you start to overthink.. and think about what you may have done to cause them any pain. You do your typical line as you slowly walk away, “you can always talk to me if you want to, I am here for you.”
In moments like that, I have always felt helpless.. from when I was a kid to now as an adult.. because there was always nothing I could do to help. There is no way for me to even know how to make anything better.. or provide an environment where this individual would discuss anything with me. I feel like this has caused deeper rooting issues along the way with our communication. Personally around this person in high anxiety moments I don’t know how to communicate my feelings .. I immediately shut down.. I over-process and internalize. This is because the dreaded “do you want to talk about it question, followed by the award silence and little snippy projections.” My stubbornness takes over .. and I say to myself “why would I tell you, ... when you don’t talk to me about anything.” A level of annoyance takes over.
Since moving away and now being back, I continue to search and learn new ways on how I can share my feelings without there being an argument. Only a few moments of success, with a handful of failure moments.
I find that this sometimes carries over into my personal life with friends and some other family. I don’t share my feelings. I am terrified at the idea of it. To be misunderstood and felt judged the majority of your life for what comes out of your mouth can be a bit stressful. I have moments when I overthink.. and my anxiety flares up.. and all I want to do is lay in my bed and hide away for a day or five.
This blog is a post similar to what I write in my journal.. the posts where I just randomly express what is going on with me.. and show to no one. There isn't really a direction with it just a simple .. quick note of what's been going through my mind lately and what it brings up. This "topic" has been weighing a bit heavier on me lately because of the constant cycle that repeats itself over and over again. I am over it and just want to break through and change it..
Where do I start?
How do I start?
What do I say?
Will I say the right words?
When will I stop overthinking this?
Stop panicking .. stop judging yourself..
Let go of the desire to control the outcome.
Let go of the fears you have in situations like this.
Take a breath; trust your self.
Move forward in the direction you feel is best for yourself.
.Love your Journey.