..how vulnerable do I want to be when writing about my journey with commitment?
..Lets start here…
About three to four years ago .. I took a deep breath.. and changed my entire life.
I decided .. no matter how I did it or how it was going to look .. it was time to finally take control back of my life.. it was time to heal all parts of me.
I needed to start feeling things.. to change the narrative that I kept telling myself.
…It was time to be fully committed to me… Berkeley.
Ive been known to say things in the past like, “I don’t get attached”.. or that I had a small.. cold dead heart; Which, isn’t a big deal.. but thinking like this ended up leading me down some “interesting” paths. I 100% found out what I would and wouldn’t be able to handle in both life and in relationships. I have spent the last few years healing parts of me that were a mess and that I had ignored long enough.
The journey of being fully committed to myself has gone sort of like this..
…first, taking the reins of my life back.. into my own hands
…building myself back up.. strength of both my mind and my body
…then learning how to actually connect to my body.. and my mind
Not committing to myself .. consisted of me just going through the motions.. numb, lost and all over the place.
Along this journey of committing to myself..I had to re-learn how to trust myself… my decision making, and my gut. Strengthening my mind has been and continues to be one of my toughest commitments. Personally it is due to the fact that I've had to unlearn so many different things. I've had to take out all the things anyone or myself has ever put into my head..or said.. I had to drown it all out.. take it off repeat.
..” It's clear that we don’t make each other happy and we haven’t for some time now...I am sorry it has taken me until now to realize this.. and that I have hurt you. I know in my heart that you will meet the love of your life someday and that she will be able to make you happy..more than I ever could…”
“You’re too emotional”
”you are so lucky”
“you think everything should be like the movies”..
“you’re an inconvenience to my schedule”
“There is no such thing as forever”
“you expect too much”..
“you’re too dependent on me”
“Did you think he would love you.. or date you”
“you’re too independent”
“you’re not enough”
“You let him do that.. so why can’t I”
“I am your boyfriend so its okay that I did that”
“It shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable”
“you’re a slut.. a bitch..mean.. a bad person”..
“Are you just going to belittle me too”..
“Its always fight or flight”
“His truth .. not your truth”
”you are perfect”…“no flaws”
I have always loved the..simple moments in life.. the ones, that you are able to forget about the rest of the world.. the ones, when everything else around you is quiet and you get to just enjoy everything right in front of you. Thats what I had to get my mind back to.. I had to take out everything around me and start seeing what was actually happening. I had to start seeing myself and start showing up as the person I genuinely wanted to be.
Committed to setting boundaries and upholding them.. committed to my mind and taking the bullshit of life and learning from it.. and not letting it eat me alive. Committed to my body and not allowing anyone to ever disrespect it again..and to understanding what it needs in each capacity. Committed to nourishing my mind, my body and being grateful for each moment I am lucky enough to live/be a part of.
. . . . . . . . .
Whats the first thought you have when someone says the word Commitment?
Relationships? Yourself? Family? Friends? Work.. fitness.. diet/food?
How many thought that I was going to sit here and dive deep into the whole relationship commitment topic (but instead I started with my commitment to myself)?
I mean I do find it intriguing, that every time or …I should say, it seems when I am in a conversation with someone I haven’t seen in a while (or some family members) .. one of the first things I am asked is if I am seeing anyone? I mean before I moved, I even had a friend ask if I met someone and if that is why I was moving?.. like uhhhh NOO!
and I DO.. fully understand, my family and friends have good intentions when asking me things like this. I just am genuinely curious why we ask other people this question (I am guilty of it in my life as well).
. . . . . . . . .
I spent the majority of my life with high walls and spent much of my “committed” time Id say refusing to let people in. They would want to try and understand me.. or get to know me.. but I didn’t even understand myself I didn’t even let myself in.
I’m learning about parts of me that I buried deep (the why’s the how’s) and I’m learning about how to better communicate (in general..and/or my feelings)
With high walls comes lack of trust.
..& then add in friendships that I thought would last a long time..that ended.. the relationship struggles.. family things.. etc etc.
.. I stopped trusting myself and others around me.
At some point it clicks.. maybe.. and I started to realize that all the people leaving my life.. or the ones I walked away from were all necessary for my journey.
And without even noticing the change.. (after reflecting back).. over the last few years there have been some moments where I have finally felt comfortable enough to allow myself to be vulnerable…where I actually let my walls down and let myself and others in.
Life isn’t always easy.. but it can be beautiful.
..and with determination.. I can see it for its beauty.. I have come along way.
Each year has been about my commitment to myself.. and healing all the different parts of me.. ..and It has brought me to the place I am now.
I may not be seeing anyone .. and I may have had some unlucky moments when it comes to love.. but that has not stopped me from believing in it or feeling it for anyone who comes into my life. I do not hold any hate or distaste for anyone I have met along the way.
As I do not believe in allowing negativity like that to take up space within my heart.
If I have ever shown you love, kindness and support, it was genuine.
Each friendship, relationships.. “situationship,” date.. has brought me to where I am.
..I am more connected with myself, my body and my mind.
I am grateful to simply understand that it was and has always been about a commitment to myself first.
..To whatever comes next in this life of mine..
..Love Your Journey..