It’s been seven hundred and ninety days since Ive had anything but a California Address.
…It’s been seven hundred and ninety days since I’ve been on the east coast in my own bed, with no return flight, and no plans on getting in my van/car and driving back.
How & why are the only two words that come to my mind currently.
How could I leave a place that saved me?
Why would I leave a place where I was able to breath freely?
Where I felt free.. and like I could be fully myself without judgement..
The anxiety and the chaos in my mind when it came to “the idea of moving back.”
…flash back seven hundred and ninety days ago..
the anxiety and chaos in my mind when it came to moving to California and leaving
everything behind.. (my dog, family, and friends).
All things that somewhat would play a part in the reason I would come back.
Thoughts about it…
you lived here before.. so it should be an easy move back.
Or remember you were like this when you left and look what happened.
The thing people don’t see is the difference.
It’s an internal thing.. a me thing..a mind thing.
In my opinion.. moving away was the best thing that I could have done for myself.
In thinking about all the low moments I continually had prior to moving..
the constant pressure I felt.. the constant question of “why the F$%# am I still here or alive”..
the drowning in my own life that I felt.. gasping for air.. and the ability to breath
The cloudy/foggy mindsets that I constantly ignored by busying myself .. until I would implode (outwardly.. inward) or even when I would go completely silent and unresponsive.
..Have you ever wanted to just be vulnerable in writing something, or speaking to someone else.. but didn’t because you didn’t want to burden them.. or in turn hurt their feelings or feel the awkwardness of what would follow when they realize you weren’t looking for anything more than a ear to listen, and/or a presence of support.
How do we express that and let them know this.. without them taking it personal or the wrong way?
How do we continue to be just an active listener?
..Have you ever just been there to support another by being present?
Moving.. and then coming back.. you are able to identify all of the things that have changed within you..
When I moved I started prioritizing my time .. I focused on learning how to understand myself and all that was going on internally, self awareness, and how to positively self reflect.
My heart hasn’t been in this situation before.. because the majority of who I love and care about are here..
& the years that I was gone living in California weren’t always easy; especially when anything would happen here (East Coast)..
Being so far away left me feeling helpless and useless.
When this would happen there would be a follow up of days where my mindset was “I want to go home.”
Bummed, was a word described by one of my close friends about how she interpreted I was feeling about moving back. Honestly that wasn't even close to what I was feeling.
My heart hasn’t ever been in a situation like this so its not super easy to describe.
My soul .. is unsure, confused, lost
My mind.. constantly going back and forth..
My anxiety skyrocketing..
All things that I’ve come to understand and feel fully, always come bubbling up every time I come back here..
Each time that I have come home the last couple years for events or a little break.. I felt like there was always specific individuals I needed to have time with.. and .. I would feel so bad when messages from others would come through and they would make comments about not visiting them.. or making time for them..
..the constant pressure.
Those who thought they needed to fill each and every moment I was here with something or others..
and even when I’d say no or choose to not go, .. I was still left feeling bad..
I can’t be everywhere at the same time, and need to continue to respect my boundaries & myself.
Time to me is of value.. and an important commodity.
My journey has brought me back..
So it’s up to me to decide how to grow in this.
.. its up to me to understand my mindset ..& this discomfort..
And figure out how to navigate through it..
& to remember to always continue to put the time towards self awareness, growth, and purpose.
Understand & then find the ways to take out the mindsets of
Will all that work I put in with healing, finding and saving myself... all disappear..
Will I be able to continue to have the boundaries I created for myself
..just because I came back doesn’t mean these things will all go somewhere.
Will I go back to California.. I have a good strong feeling I will..
but for now .. I am just going to embrace where I am
..one moment, one day at a time.
I am grateful to be back close to family and friends and to see where this part of my journey will take me.
Be real. Be free. Be present.
.Love your Journey.